Family Feud

Dear Fany,

Thanksgiving is coming up and I'm very excited about that. My brother has been mad at me since last February over something I said. I have called their house a number of times and emailed many many times asking them to talk to me so we can work things out. My brother refuses to talk to me. For whatever reason, he won't talk things out privately but doesn't hesitate to make a huge scene in front of company. What should I do? I haven't invited him to Thanksgiving because my in-laws and several friends will be there (30 people). I don't want a "show down" in front of everybody, but I am also tired of all the hard feelings. Any advice you have would be appreciated.

Sincerely,

Your Thanksgiving Turkey :)

First of all, it is hard to give advice when I don't know exactly what was said. However, family feuds can be a very touchy subject. In this case, I would say a prayer. I would look internally before reaching out to your brother. Whatever was said....if the shoe was on the other foot-how would it make you feel? How would you want this person to "work things out" with you? I believe that calling and emailing aren't good enough. If you truly want to make things right, you need to go to them personally. I would stop by. I would not approach them in a defensive or condescending way. I would be humble and kind. If you don't feel that you said anything wrong, you may just need to apologize for hurting them. But, not so much for what you said. After that, if they don't want to talk-just leave. But, if they do...listen, without talking so they know that you truly want to understand how they are feeling. You may have to agree to disagree. If you want your brother to be a part of your life, you will have to bend. Sometimes getting along means not always having to be right.

Lack of Desire

Dear Fany,

The last year has been extremely stressful. I love my husband dearly, and we have always had a very wonderful intimate life, but I am really struggling with that aspect of my life during all the stress (including caring for many small children and a new baby). My husband is perfect really, and is very kind and considerate, but I am just frustrated with my own lack of desire. Do you have any helpful advice?

This is very normal. Women are emotionally driven...while men are physically driven. Therefore, women have a hard time disconnecting from their stress to enjoy intimacy. We have all been there at times. My suggestion to you is to find a way to distance yourself from the stress before intimacy. This can be something as simple as playing a board game together. You can add your own intimate touch to the game. This way you will get excited and distanced from stress at the same time. Such as: Strip Skipbo, with only 5 cards in the pile. It can be any game you like-with your element of fun! If your mind is on the game and your man....it can only turn into a nice together moment! I do not recommend a movie. Tired Mom's just fall asleep! lol

UNKNOWN SMEARING!!

Dear Fany,

I am a 35 year old woman who found on facebook (no less!) that someone in the town I used to live in is smearing my name. I don't know who. But several of my former friends have "broken up" with me. Again, over facebook. I know, so 8th grade. But I was really hoping to go back to this town and now I feel like I can't. Any advice?

First of all, facebook is a really cowardly way to smear your name. If they wanted to say something they should share it face to face. You don't have any control over other peoples' words or actions-just your own. There are many reasons why someone would want to smear your name. Anger, jealousy, hurt, immaturity....and so on. How you handle this is up to you. You can choose to avoid the town and "unfriend" those people on facebook who have hurt you, or you can choose to go back to the town with your head held high and prove to others that you are not smear worthy! But, if you know why they could be smearing your name and there are things that you have done to cause this....you may need to go back and fix the problem before it gets out of control. It is really sad that the public forums have become a way for us to share horrible things about others. But, on the flip side; forums have also become a way for us to share good things about others. I hope we choose to share good!

THE FISHERMAN'S WIDOW

Dear Fany,

After nine years of a good marriage, my husband has started going fishing again. I am not opposed to this except that often he goes during our "alone time." This time should be spent dating or being together, but he jumps at the chance to go fishing when the kids are gone. When I say, "Lets go out," or "Why don't you stay home with me," he gets upset and says that I never let him do anything and that life is all about me. Am I being selfish? Help me Fanyfix. You're the only one who can. :)


Maybe you could offer to go fishing with him once in awhile. Spend time doing some of the things that he enjoys. At some point, everyone needs time to be by themselves. He may just want time alone. Remember the times when you were first married. What did he love about you? Are you that person still? What did you enjoy doing together? Try and get back to enjoying what you did before. Are you laughing together, working together, playing together...or are you just together? "Love is a condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." Marriage is about unselfishness. It is about thinking of your spouses' feelings above your own....and then they will want to reciprocate. But, when we are consumed with what we want and never thinking about our spouse...resentment follows. Be happy. Be the kind of person that you would want to be around...and then he will too.

VENTING/DEFENDING

Dear Fany,

How can you vent when all your friends are interconnected? Or defend yourself for that matter?

Everyone needs to vent at one time or another. It is nice to have someone you can talk to and confide in. But, you need to be very careful about who you confide in. It can cause several problems you need to be aware of. First of all, the person you choose to confide in needs to be removed from the situation. They cannot be emotionally involved. It is possible that they can hold a grudge long after the situation is resolved. Second, you need to make sure you confide in someone who is the same sex. Never go to someone of the opposite sex. Third, make sure it is someone who can keep a secret and that won't share all of your information to the world.

It is sad that you would feel that you have to defend yourself to someone. But, I would suggest going straight to the source. Dealing with people face to face helps to keep from having misunderstandings. People have good intentions-it just doesn't seem that way all the time. Prayer before a discussion with someone is always a good idea. When we are inspired we tend to have a more positive result. GOOD LUCK!!

Housework is taking over!

Dear Fany,

Any tips on keeping up with the housework without it taking over my life?

I am definitely not the expert on this subject. Everyone is different when it comes to their idea of a clean house. My suggestion is to make sure that things are picked up in the evening before you go to bed. That way you won't start out your day overwhelmed. Don't try to keep up with the housework all day long. Do what you can do without letting it take over. In the evenings after dinner-make it a routine for you and your family to work together and straighten up the house. Make it fun. Tell the kids if they help you, you can play a quick game before bed. Then you are spending quality time with the family while they are learning to be a little more responsible. Your house will not be perfect-unless you are a perfectionist. So relax. Make it a home not a museum. It is ok to be a mom and not always the maid!

Life Changing Advice!

Dear Fany,

I have been waiting for some advice! Please submit life changing advice.

As for life changing-that is up to you! But, my suggestion is to view the world as with the cup half full instead of half empty. Life changing is life altering. Change your attitude about the things you are doing. ENJOY the journey. Life has its ups and downs -that is certain. But how we deal with the trials is all up to us. Learn from the downs and enjoy the ups! Life is good!

Insensitive Friends!

Dear Fany,

I seem to be having some problems with my friends. They tease me relentlessly. Sometimes I feel I am just there so they have someone to laugh at. I really love them and only demonstrate the highest quality of friendship. What should I do?

We all have funny stories or quirks that people like to tease us all about. Some have more funny stories or quirks than others. I believe your friends only tease you because they feel they can laugh and be comfortable with you. But, I believe teasing can go too far. Friends need to know if they have crossed the line or have become insensitive. I believe teasing is usually all in good fun-but sometimes it is easier to take than at other times. Let your friends know if you are hurt or offended by their remarks or teasing. If they are true friends-they will listen to you.

Also, if you didn't do so many embarrassing things then your friends wouldn't have so much to tease you about! It's great for those of us who never do anything embarrassing!

Screaming Toddler!

Dear Fany,

How can I better handle the screaming toddler in line at Walmart who wants a sucker that I am not willing to buy?

He probably screams for treats because at least one time you or someone else was willing to buy it for them. But, all of us parents have given in at one time or another. You will need to be committed to ignoring their fits and holding your ground for a few screaming visits until they realize that it will not work. I suggest speaking to your children before you ever go into the store. If they are old enough to understand you, explain to them that you cannot buy anything extra for them in the store. Remind them what you expect before the temptation arises. It is a good idea in any tempting situation. Give them a list of things to help you find. It might help them if you tell them you can only buy what is on the list. If that doesn't work-duct tape is a universal mouth quieter! LOL

Friendship dues!

Dear Fany,

I have the best friends in the world. I want to show them I love them, but I don't want to spend lots of money to show my love!

If you have the best friends in the world, then you shouldn't have to show them you love them. I'm sure they already know! Friendship isn't about money. It's about being there for them when they need a listening ear. It's about living, laughing, and sharing without holding back-knowing you can say anything without judgment. Friends love you unconditionally. They don't care about the money-they care about you!

NERVY CHILDREN!

Dear Fany,

How do you handle a child that can get on your nerves at just the right time and makes you want to explode?

I think every parent has moments like these. But, we have to remember that we are the adult. Sometimes our children just need a few minutes of our positive attention-and then they are on their way to something new. Also, prayer, locking yourself in the bathroom, counting to ten, and breathing heavy into a paper bag can help.

Late Worker!

Dear Fany,

How do I get my husband to leave for work earlier so he gets home before 7:30-8 pm? UGH!

Well, there is only one way to wake up a man before he wants to. Make sure he wants something more than he wants to sleep! It works every time! Also, tell him breakfast is at 7:00 am and dinner is at 6:00 pm if he wants to eat! The way to a man's heart is through his stomach (and other things). Just make sure he doesn't have a lot of money. That way he won't stop somewhere to eat on his way home. It's all about desire. He needs to desire something more than sleeping in. Give him that-and you'll have your early riser!

NO GOOD MEN!

Dear Fany,

What do you do when you love someone who is no good for you?

Man this is a tough one. I can't solve all the worlds mysteries in one paragraph. But, we do have the ability to love more than one person at a time. Keep your distance. I heard a very smart person say, "MOVE FORWARD." Do the right things and be with the people that help you with that! You will find someone who is good for you by being in the right places and doing the right things! It'll happen! Check the obituaries for widows or widowers who have lost loved ones and stood by their side until the end.

It might help if you could set this person up on a date with someone who is very time consuming! That way they won't have any time to be bad for you.

What comes first?

Dear Fany,

What comes first the chicken or the egg?

What a stupid question! If a cow laughs real hard will milk come out its nose?
The answer to your question? THE ROOSTER, of course! But, he had a good hen beside him. When a good hen and a good rooster get together-eggs aren't far behind. It's really very simple!

Jealous on Facebook!

Dear Fany,

My husband has his old girlfriend on Facebook as a friend. She comments quite often. Should I be concerned or jealous?

Do you want to be concerned or jealous? After all, your husband was probably very polite to another woman at work as well. Maybe you should feel threatened by that? But, as I see it. She had her chance-and he chose YOU! Is there a reason you might need to feel threatened? If there is something you could do to improve your relationship with him, then do it. Joke with him about it-but don't get angry. Have fun with it. Enjoy knowing you are confident in your marriage with him. He will continue to love you for it.

My husbands' old girlfriend is now his aunt through marriage. We can have a lot of fun with that! REDNECKS GALORE in our family!